The Moment

MY CHEST WANTS TO EXPLODE.

But it can’t.

It mustn’t.

There are so many things I want to say to you
So may ways I’ve pictured myself telling you
why I did what I did
why I chose to hurt you
why I chose to break your trust
…all behind your back

I love you – more than words can say
And even if that sounds like some emo shit you hear on the radio
or from sappy love poems written by teenagers
Well, it’s true

And if I can do anything to not hurt you
Believe me, I will
If I can do anything to not feel this way

Guilty
Powerless
Unfaithful

Believe me, I will

But the years of togetherness have forged an even tougher exterior
that even our years of togetherness cannot dissolve

This invisible, impermeable barrier that I’ve subconsciously built around me —
it kills me inside, ever so slowly

But if there’s one thing that I’m certain of
It is that no matter how slow the decline
Once death is imminent, it always is imminent
And so is this: Our love

I’ve tried long and hard to not write about this:
to not write about us
Because baby, that is the same as admitting defeat
That is the exact same thing as admitting that I am aware of how much we love each other
That I am aware of how much I’ve betrayed your trust

and everything we ever had
and everything we have ever stood for

I keep racking my brain for Something.
Anything.
That can make all of this just a dream
Just something I whipped up for my fancy
Some new short story I’m working on
Some new lie I’ll start telling myself and others to be true

I’ve tried long and hard
I’ve spent hours, days, weeks
But at the end of it all
I cannot come to a conclusion
I cannot come up with a good enough reason

For the life of me, I’ve spent years hating the men who broke me
The men who came through and passed me by for sport
It didn’t matter how much I loved them
No!
All that mattered was that they have gained my trust, ever so simply
And when all has been said
And all has been fucked
They proceed with their life’s goal:
To screw me
And screw me over

Until one day, I wake up with nothing left to believe
except that all men are pigs
And that all men are good for nothing but hurting the women

who are crazy enough
who are stupid enough
who are whorish enough

to let them

ALAS – one night, I decided to do the same
I’ve decided to hurt the one man who has proven to me
that there are still some good fellas out there
That there is still someone who can love me
and accept me
for who I am
and what I am
and what I still want to be

The one man who has stuck with me through thick and thin
The one man I actually saw myself settling with
– marrying
– having kids with
(who knows – we might even get a dog)

One night, out of the blue —
My mind stopped minding
and no matter how many times I’ve heard voices in my head say:

THIS IS WRONG! THIS IS WRONG!
… I still did it
I gave in anyway

I let lust and loneliness and “the moment”
(Fuck the moment!)
I let them all screw me over

I tell you this:
There is probably nothing more difficult in this life
than trying fervently to not give in the moment

…

It is this one isolated moment that’s changed me forever
And how I am towards you
no matter how sweet you still are
no matter how many things we still share

Oh love, I am very sorry
for letting that stupid, fucking moment
take me
and take me away from you

###

Written 07-04-14
Performed as a slam piece for the first time on 07-19-14

Diary Entry: June 21-22, 2014

Location: Sev’s Cafe / SEx Malugay, Makati

 

Last night, I met a lot of people, boys included. Nag-SEx kami after (the group) kase 1/2am na natapos and we were starving. I sat next to this cute guy who performed (musician – ganda ng boses, nakakalaglag ng panty). Naka suit sya and all. I loved his shoes.. Tapos we got to talking, kase pareho kaming first timers sa Sev’s. He asked my name, and asked if I was on Tinder. Kasi he was. When I said “Sharee” he gasped a little, like he knew me from somewhere. Tapos he took his phone out, opened Tinder and asked me to spell his name. Sabi ko, I didn’t use Tinder. Tapos after spelling my name (think of “Share” – then add another E), nag-sigh sya, of relief mostly, kala nya ako daw yung ka-chat nya. Showed me his phone: “Charry” ung girl. Pareho daw kaming singkit. (So singkit nga ako. #Confirmation) Tapos i told him – “You never really know, malay mo screen name ko lang yan, haha” It didn’t go far, though, kwento lang. He told me about where he buys weed (UP – shocking!) tapos sabi ko: ako din! Haha. And general stuff. He was cute. Kinilig akong konti but we never got past that. No numbers exchanged. No flirting. I think I’ll never be ready to date a guy who wears a suit and awesome brown leather shoes and drives an SUV to open mic nights. I love being exposed to this type of crowd. I learn a lot. But I’m pretty – no, very – happy with what I already have. It’s comfortable, and “boring” – but in the best way possible. Because we can talk of non-intelligent stuff, too. Like TV shows and movies and rock bands and comic books and all the mundane things in the world while sharing a box of pizza. And we can take care of each other because we’re both sick with the flu (which we arguably GAVE each other *wink*).

 

PS: If any of the Speak! or Words Anonymous people read this, please ssh. Hahaha. You know who I'm talking about.